martedì, febbraio 27, 2007
I'll be loving U forever
I'll Be Loving You Forever (parte 1 di 13, e le altre?)
Viki Walters
*1990*
Part 1
"Kayley, I love you, but if you walk out of my life now,
you're not coming back." Jonathan Knight's voice was firm and clear,
yet scared, as he confronted his girlfriend. Kayley McCloud's bright
blue eyes met his deeper, hazel ones head on.
"I'm sorry, Jon, but I'm not going to take it anymore. Put
yourself in my place for a minute. There are thousands of girls
screaming your name. You're always on tour, and when you are home
you're recording or with your family. I miss you dammit, and I don't
deserve this!" Kayley's dark blond hair shook violently as her voice
grew to a yell. Jon gazed at her, then turned towards the window.
"Do you think I like being away all the time? I miss my
family, I miss my friends, and I miss you! I'd love to go on to
college, marry you, and have a family." He turned back towards
Kayley and leaned against the window sill. "But I love what I do,
Kay. Those moments that I'm on stage, singing and dancing, those are
the moments where I belong."
Kayley had been staring at the ground, fighting tears. Now
she raised her eyes to meet Jon's. How she'd miss those beautiful
hazel eyes, that were now welled with tears. She'd miss him
altogether-that soft brown hair, that beautiful face, the sweet
voice, and that coy sense of humor. But she wanted to be with him,
and since she couldn't have that, she had to let him go.
"Then I guess this is good-bye," she whispered. She took a
few steps closer to him. Tears were streaming down his face; she
reached up to wipe a few away, but he turned away from her. "I do
love you, Jon, and if you ever decide this isn't the life for you,
look me up." Before he could react, she reached up and kissed him on
his cheek, then turned and walked out of his room.
Jon ran a hand through his dark brown hair and sighed.
Grabbing a tissue from the nightstand, he sighed again and sat down
on the edge of the twin bed he'd had since he was ten. This wasn't
fair. He hadn't asked to become an overnight sensation. He'd liked
his life just fine before his brother had talked him into auditioning
with him. Now he was only nineteen and a household name, along with
his younger brother and their three friends. There was nothing he
could do, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. He truly did love his job-
he already had more than he needed in life and their career was still
growing quickly.
No, Jon decided, he couldn't sacrifice this. Not even if it
meant losing Kayley forever.
I'll Be Loving You Forever
Viki Walters
*1990*
Part 1
"Kayley, I love you, but if you walk out of my life now,
you're not coming back." Jonathan Knight's voice was firm and clear,
yet scared, as he confronted his girlfriend. Kayley McCloud's bright
blue eyes met his deeper, hazel ones head on.
"I'm sorry, Jon, but I'm not going to take it anymore. Put
yourself in my place for a minute. There are thousands of girls
screaming your name. You're always on tour, and when you are home
you're recording or with your family. I miss you dammit, and I don't
deserve this!" Kayley's dark blond hair shook violently as her voice
grew to a yell. Jon gazed at her, then turned towards the window.
"Do you think I like being away all the time? I miss my
family, I miss my friends, and I miss you! I'd love to go on to
college, marry you, and have a family." He turned back towards
Kayley and leaned against the window sill. "But I love what I do,
Kay. Those moments that I'm on stage, singing and dancing, those are
the moments where I belong."
Kayley had been staring at the ground, fighting tears. Now
she raised her eyes to meet Jon's. How she'd miss those beautiful
hazel eyes, that were now welled with tears. She'd miss him
altogether-that soft brown hair, that beautiful face, the sweet
voice, and that coy sense of humor. But she wanted to be with him,
and since she couldn't have that, she had to let him go.
"Then I guess this is good-bye," she whispered. She took a
few steps closer to him. Tears were streaming down his face; she
reached up to wipe a few away, but he turned away from her. "I do
love you, Jon, and if you ever decide this isn't the life for you,
look me up." Before he could react, she reached up and kissed him on
his cheek, then turned and walked out of his room.
Jon ran a hand through his dark brown hair and sighed.
Grabbing a tissue from the nightstand, he sighed again and sat down
on the edge of the twin bed he'd had since he was ten. This wasn't
fair. He hadn't asked to become an overnight sensation. He'd liked
his life just fine before his brother had talked him into auditioning
with him. Now he was only nineteen and a household name, along with
his younger brother and their three friends. There was nothing he
could do, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. He truly did love his job-
he already had more than he needed in life and their career was still
growing quickly.
No, Jon decided, he couldn't sacrifice this. Not even if it
meant losing Kayley forever.
I'll Be Loving You Forever
Jonathan and Andi
Jonathan and Andi - Andi unknowingly moves two doors down from Jonathan Knight. Will the love they find be able to overcome the problems they come across?
Rating - PG-13
Jonathan and Andi (in 14 cap, questo il primo)
Rating - PG-13
Jonathan and Andi (in 14 cap, questo il primo)
The Choice
The Choice - Lynn discovers her husband of 10 years has a secret relationship. Who will he choose?
Slash Rating - R
The Choice
The Choice
Kita (courtesy of Kika, copiato qui perchè illeggibile sul sito originale)
Lynn hung up the phone in a daze. What her best friend just told her about her husband of 10 years had her in shock. She did not doubt what her friend told her, because she knew her friend would not lie to her about such a thing. What was she going to do? She hadn't worked since they got married, because he wanted her to be a stay-at-home mom, and since he took on her daughter from a previous relationship as his own, she stopped working as soon as the honeymoon was over. Did she even have any skills to go back to work after ten years?
She heard someone coming down the stairs, and quickly wiped away the tears that were silently coursing down her cheeks and looked to the base of the stairs, where the familiar form came around and saw her with tears still brewing in her dark eyes.
"Lynn, oh, my God, what's the matter?" he asked her, kneeling in front of her.
"Don't touch me!" she said, pulling away from him.
"Lynn, what's going on?" he asked her.
"Who is he, Jon? God dammit, who the fuck is he?" Jon's hazel eyes showed he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"What do you mean? Who are you talking about?"
"The man Jenna saw you with in Boston Common yesterday."
"Just a business associate, that's all," he insisted.
"Bullshit. You don't hold hands with a business associate, Jon. Tell me the truth, I don't want you lying to me anymore," she told him. His eyes showed he was terrified of telling her the truth about this.
"Please, Lynn, don't make me talk about this to you," he begged. "You and the kids are too important to me. Please."
"Fuck that, Jon. You owe me an explanation. I'm your wife, for God's sake. I thought we were monogamous. While you're out screwing around with another man, I run the risk of contracting something from you. Fuck not putting you through this."
"Lynn, the kids are upstairs. Can we at least send them to my mom's house before we discuss this?" he pleaded.
"Fine. I'm going up to the bedroom. You send the kids to your mom's, then we'll talk." She strode up the stairs, and shut her bedroom door behind her and collapsed onto the bed, her mind reeling. About a half an hour later, she heard the door open to the bedroom, while she laid still on the bed.
"Lynn?" she heard him say. Even now, even as upset and angry as she was, his voice still did things to her. She felt his hand on her back, and felt him sit on the bed next to her. She turned over and looked at him, not bothering to wipe away the tears that stained her face. Seeing how she was hurting, his eyes began to tear up, and he blinked rapidly to keep himself from crying.
"Jon, how could you do this to me? To us?"
"Lynn, honey, you knew I was bi-sexual when we met. You knew that."
"Yeah, but when you asked me to marry you, I thought you had made your choice. Jesus, Jonathan, I gave up everything, EVERYTHING for you." He nodded, knowing he had asked her to give up her own independence to be with him. "How long, Jon? How long have you been..."
"I've been with him since before I met you," he said softly. She sat up in bed.
"What?" she demanded.
"Lynn, I've only been with one man the entire time we've been together. I know he's clean, so I haven't been jeopardizing your health or anything. God, Lynn, I never meant to hurt you. I swear!"
"Jon, when you married me, when your own father performed the service, you agreed to foresake all others for me. I don't recall the words being 'foresake all other women, but, hey! You can keep screwing your boyfriend!'" He just nodded. "I can't do this, Jon. I can't be with someone when I knowingly don't have all of him."
"Lynn, please don't make me choose. Because, if I have to choose, I'll choose you. You and the kids are everything to me. But, if I have to choose, I'll never been entirely happy," he told her earnestly. She laughed despite the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"You be happy? What about me? Jesus, Jon, everytime you say you're out of town on business, I'll figure you're lying to me, that you're with him. I'd be miserable."
"Please, Lynn, I love you. I really do. And I love the kids. But, I just can't choose right now. Please don't make me."
"Jon, I have to think about this, and I don't think I can do it here. The kids are home on summer vacation, and they haven't seen my mom in awhile. I think I'm going to take them to my mom's house in Montana, and I can think while I'm there."
"What? You're going to leave?"
"I can't think in this house with you here. And, I need to think about this."
"Will you...I mean, are you going to come back?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know." They both sat on the bed quietly for a little while, letting her statement sink in. Lynn broke the silence first. "I won't tell my mom that we're having problems. That's something I won't put you through, or myself for that matter. But, I've got to go somewhere and think, Jon, and that's the best place I know of."
"I understand." He got up, and started to leave the room. With his back to her, his hand on the door, he said, "I love you, Lynn. I always have. I never intended to hurt you with this. I'm sorry." When Lynn didn't say anything, he opened the door and left the room.
Downstairs in the study, he made a phone call. When the other line was picked up, he said, "Hey, its me."
"Hey, you. I was wondering when I'd hear from you."
"Dave, she knows. Lynn knows."
"How?"
"I'm not sure, but she does. I can't lose her and my family, Dave. I just can't. I'm 44 years old, it took me until I was 33 to find the woman of my dreams to have a family with. I'm not throwing that away, Dave."
"What are you saying, Jonathan?"
"I'm saying....God, this is hard. I'm saying that I don't think I should be seeing you anymore, Dave. I love you, and I always will, but my family means so much to me."
"You'll never be entirely happy, you know that, don't you?"
"I know. But, without my family, I'll be miserable. The trade off seems to be better this way. I'm sorry, Dave. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and yet I'm hurting everyone. Good-bye, Dave." He hung up the phone, and sat on the couch, no longer fighting the tears and letting them freely fall down his face.
A couple of hours later, Jon began to get worried about Lynn. She had not emerged from their bedroom, so he went up to check on her. When he opened the door, he found her lying in bed, sleeping deeply. He walked over to the bed, and laid down next to her, pulling her into his arms. She barely stirred as he did so. He began thinking, wondering how he could have so royally screwed up everything. He kissed the top of her head. He didn't know if she would ever allow him to touch her again, so he was savoring holding her in her sleep. Eventually, he fell asleep, as well.
The next morning, he woke up, and Lynn was already out of the bed. He went looking for her. He found her in the barn, brushing her favorite horse.
"Hi," he said, trying to tread lightly.
"Hi." She continued to brush the horse, never looking at him. She didn't understand him anymore, and she was thinking that maybe she never had. He had obviously never been completely honest with her, and now she wondered if she could trust him at all. She had been surprised to find him in their bed, holding her that morning.
"When are we supposed to pick up the kids?" she asked him.
"My mom said no hurry. I told her we were trying to work some things out. She said she understood, and that she could keep them as long as we needed her to. I think she was planning to take them to the aquarium today, anyway."
"Oh." Lynn put away the brush. Done with the chore, she had nothing left to do but talk to the stranger that was her husband.
"Now that we're both calmed down, Jon, I think we need to seriously talk."
"I agree," he responded. "Shall we walk?" She was relieved that he offered to take a walk, that way, she wouldn't have to look at him as she got the details from him.
"Okay." He tried to take her hand into his, and she pulled away. Although it saddened him, he understood and did not push it.
"Are you still going to your mother's?" he asked her.
"Yeah. I need to call the airlines." He nodded.
"Jon, I need to know this...who is it? Do I know him?"
"Dave," he said. Lynn stopped in her tracks.
"Dave? As in Best Man at our wedding Dave?" she asked increduosly. He nodded again. "Jesus! Jon, that is the ultimate disrespect! That man has shared our dinner table, he's taken our kids to ball games. Jesus!" He didn't say anything, he let her rant.
When she finished with her tirade, he finally spoke. "I broke it off last night."
"What?"
"I called him up. I told him that I couldn't risk losing you and the kids, and I broke it off. I knew I'd never win you back unless I did. Lynn, I have never lied about my feelings for you. You've got to believe that. You are everything to me, you and the kids. I love you with every ounce of my being. I didn't want to hurt you. I guess I wanted my cake and eat it, too, and it backfired on me.
"I understand if you never, ever can trust me again. I've been an asshole, and insensitive, selfish asshole. I'm sorry. I can't do anything to change the past, I can only try to do better in the future. I hope that you'll let me." He turned around to face her. He couldn't help thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him still. No, she didn't have the body she had when they met. She had borne him 3 children in 10 years. But, the curves she had now suited him just fine. He couldn't understand how he could have been blind and stupid enough to almost throw it all away because of Dave.
Yes, he loved Dave, but he had tried breaking it off with Dave several times both before and after he had married Lynn. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He was determined that from now on, it would only be Lynn and him. Dave was out of the picture for eternity now.
"You...you really left him? For me?" Jon nodded. "You were serious? I mean, when you said that if you had to choose, it would be me?" Again, he nodded. "I still need to think, Jon. You've been lying to me from the get go. I need to go away and think about this."
"I understand. I'm not trying to stop you. I wanted it all laid out on the table is all." This time, when he took her hand into his, she didn't pull away.
A week later, Jon dropped Lynn and the kids at Logan to catch a plane to Montana. Lynn still needed to work things out, and she felt that going away for awhile to think was the best thing for both of them. No one, not even Jon's brother, whom he was very close to, knew of the difficulties the couple where having. To everyone on the outside, they're marriage was the most stable around.
Three days after arriving on her mother's Montana farm, her oldest daughter's father paid their daughter, Kelsey, a visit. Kelsey hadn't seen her father in several years, but was excited to see him all the same. He knew, as soon as he saw Lynn, that something was wrong. She refused to tell him her troubles, though, but he offered to take her out on the town.
"I don't know, Kevin. I mean, I'm married. Whether or not Jon and I are having problems is irrelevant. I'm still married."
"And we haven't had anything going on between us since 5 years before you got married. You point? This is just an old friend taking out his daughter's mother for a good time. That's all." It sounded innocent enough, so she agreed. Her mother agreed to watch the children.
He took her out to dinner, to a restaurant he took her when she told him she was pregnant with Kelsey. The last time they were together as a couple. He ordered a bottle of wine, and she began guzzling it down like an alcoholic.
"Hey, Lynn, take it easy! I don't want to hold your hair for you tonight!" he said.
"I'm sorry. I just really, really need to get good and plastered, Kevin. If you don't want to foot the bill, I have my Mastercard on me." With that, she ordered a rum and coke from the waiter.
After dinner, and about 6 drinks later, they went for a walk. Lynn was unsteady on her feet, so her ex held her arm, keeping her standing.
"He cheated on me, Kev. The entire time we've been together, he's been cheating on me." She started to cry. Even drunk, she couldn't bring herself to say that her husband was cheating on her with another man.
"Oh, God, Lynn, I'm sorry. How did you find out?" She laughed.
"My best friend saw them together in Boston...holding hands. He tried to tell me it was a business associate. He eventually admitted to me about it. But, he swears he loves me and the kids, and he said he broke it of with hi...with the other person." They came to a bench, and Lynn sat down on it. Kevin put his arm around her as she started to cry.
"Shh...it's gonna be alright. He's a bastard to do that to you, Lynn. I was a bastard to do what I did, too. You deserve better than either one of us."
"I don't deserve anyone. God, Kevin, I'm worthless! I can't even get the man I'm married to to be faithful to me. What the hell is wrong with me?!?"
Kevin took her face into his hands. "Listen to me, Lynn. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with you. You are beautiful, smart, a great mother, a wonderful friend. He's a bastard. I'm a bastard. It's not you, it's the men you get with." She looked into his crystaline blue eyes. She saw that he still loved her. She felt something stir in her. She kissed him. He didn't push her away, he didn't try to stop her. He kissed her back. When they pulled apart, she looked horrified.
"Oh, God, I'm no better than him!" she wailed. She got up from the bench and started running down the street, away from Kevin. A few feet away, the alcohol caught up with her, and down she went onto the hard pavement. She felt Kevin pick her up, but she didn't open her eyes. She had hit her head, and although she thought she was alright, suddenly, she was very tired and couldn't bear to open her eyes. She felt him put her in his truck seat. Next thing she knew, she had a bright light being shown into her eyes.
"Mrs. Knight, are you coming around?" she heard a strange voice say. Her head was pounding. Had she drunk that much?
"Where am I?" she said through a thick tongue that felt furry.
"You're at Good Samaritan Hospital. I'm Dr. Voight. Kevin Sanderson brought you in. Seems you fell and hit your head, little lady." It all came flooding back to her...the alcohol, the comforting arm around her shoulder....the kiss.
"Oh, God," she groaned.
"I imagine you're head hurts a little bit. We'll get you some pain medication for that. But, I don't think you'll be feeling too well in the morning. You've got a very high blood alcohol level, ma'am." She nodded. She thought her head was going to split in two.
"Mr. Sanderson, she seems okay. You can take her home. Just watch her tonight, okay?" She heard Kevin agree with the doctor that he would watch over her. Oh, God, she thought again.
They wheeled her out of the emergency room, and Kevin helped her to his car. They gave her some pain medication, and she swallowed some with a water bottle Kevin had in his car.
"I called your mom. I told her you weren't feeling well and that I'd put you up in my guest room tonight. I didn't want her to know how hammered you got."
"Thanks," she said. "About that kiss..."
"Shh...don't say anything. I know it was just a weak moment, Lynn. Don't sweat it." She nodded, feeling the pain medication start to take it's toll and make her very sleepy.
Over the next three weeks that she was in Montana, she and Kevin got to know each other better than they ever had when they were dating. Both had done a lot of growing up, and she felt feelings for him that she had never felt for him before. She was scared, because she did love Jon, but she wasn't sure where she belonged in Jon's life anymore. Also, she wasn't sure if Kevin wanted a ready-made family, even if one of the children was his.
Finally, in mid-August, it was time for them to head back to Boston. Kevin took her out the night before they were set to head back. This time, she didn't drink at all, and she was completely clear headed when she asked him to take her to his house. He looked shocked, but he agreed.
They entered the house, and she turned around on him and began kissing him deeply. She pulled his shirt up over his head, and undid his pants to gain entry. She began stroking him, and she felt him harden to her touch. It had been sixteen years since they had made love, but it all felt so right. He began kissing her breasts, first taking one nipple into his mouth and playing with it with his tongue, then taking the other into it. They laid down on his bed. She took his hand and put it between her thighs. His hand found her clit, and he began stroking it. She felt herself tingle. He slid two fingers into her, and she moaned involuntarily. He began kissing her down her body, until his face was between her legs, teasing her with his tongue. Finally, she could take it no more, and she pulled him back up to her. She took his dick into her hand, and guided him into her. As he entered her, they both moaned. He began pumping her, and she rocked her hips to his rhythm. He kissed her, his tongue exploring her mouth, an d she grabbed his ass. They both erupted into the most intense orgasm either of them had had in a long time, and he laid on top of her for a few minutes, trying to catch his breath.
When finally they parted, he kissed the top of her head. "Do you feel vindicated now?" he asked her.
"What are you talking about, Kevin?" she asked him.
"Isn't that what this is all about? Getting even?" he asked her. "I mean, I don't mind that we did it, but I feel that you did it just to get back at him for what he did to you."
"No, Kevin. This was about me needing to connect with someone. I'm feeling things for you, Kev, that I never even felt when we were together, when we concieved Kelsey. Maybe a little bit of it was revenge, but most of it was just carnal, maybe a little bit of love, too." He was quiet, as he absently traced designs on her bare arm.
She hadn't told Jon that she was returning home. She figured she'd rent a car to get back to the house from the airport. She didn't want a big welcome home scene, she just wanted to get back to her normal life, the way it was before she knew about his infidelities with another man.
They got to the house, and the kids ran out to go check on their animals and play in the big yard after being on the plane for 6 hours. Lynn went looking for Jon. She found him in their bedroom...with Dave. She opened up the door to find the two of them having sex in her bed. Jon looked up at the door.
"Shit!" he said. Lynn turned around, shut the door, and ran out of the house. She ran to the end of the driveway, hot tears streaming down her face. Jon came running after her, pulling his t-shirt over his head, barefooted, his jeans not buttoned.
"Lynn!" he shouted at her.
"Get the fuck away from me, Jon!" she yelled back. "I don't want to hear it again. Get the fuck away from me if you know what's good for you!" He grabbed her by her shoulders.
"Lynn, listen to me. I didn't think you were coming back. You wouldn't accept my phone calls when I'd call. The kids would talk to me, but you wouldn't. I haven't talked to you in three weeks, for God's sake. I thought we were through. I was expecting divorce papers to come any time."
"So, what? You go find solace with your lover in our bed? Fuck that, Jonathan! Jesus! I was so fucking stupid to believe you. Now, we're back out here. I should have just stayed in Montana. At least there's someone there that cares about me," she said. She saw Jon's hazel eyes burn with anger.
"Excuse me?" he demanded.
"Fuck you, I don't owe you and explanation. Fuck you." A car came tearing down the driveway, and squealed out onto the street.
"Why don't you go after him, Jon? Go get your boyfriend. Because you're not going to get me back this time."
"Lynn, listen to me..."
"No, I'm through listening to you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Fuck you and fuck this marriage. Do you think any judge in the fucking country will let you see your kids when you've been cheating on me with another man?" He looked crestfallen. "Let alone here in conservative Massachusettes. Shit! You'll probably never see them again. And you don't deserve to, either. You're a fucking asshole, Jonathan. You, my dear, can kiss my ass."
"Lynn, the kids have nothing..."
"The kids have everything to do with this, Jon. They didn't ask to be born into a family with a father who can't figure out if he wants to be with a man or a woman. They don't need you to screw up their lives! Fuck you, I'll make sure you don't see them anymore."
"Lynn, please..."
"Please what? Accept that you're going to be fucking a man for the rest of our married life together? Fuckno. Get the fuck away from me. Maybe you should see if you can stay at your mom's until we can find a place to live and I can find a job. Or, maybe you can stay at your boyfriend's house. I don't give a rat's ass. All I know is I don't want to see your face right now."
"If you want to move, I'll pay for a house for you and the kids. I'll support you and the kids. You don't have to work."
"I'm not going to be your bitch, Jonathan. I don't want a dime from you except child support. I don't want you to support me. The courts will decide what child support amount is fair, and you can deal with that. But, I will not take your fucking charity. I don't want it. I'll find a job. If we have to live in a tiny two bedroom apartment on the south side, we will. But, I'm not taking your damn money."
"Lynn, at least think logically. Let me buy you a house. You know I can do it easily. I don't want my kids living in the ghetto. If you don't want me to take care of you, fine, but let me buy you a house, okay?"
"Fuck you, Jon. Get the hell out of my face." She started to walk back up to the house. When she got up to the house, Josie, their youngest, came up to her and asked her what was wrong.
"Baby, Daddy is going to live somewhere else for awhile. Go spend some time with him. See if he'll bring in our bags, please? I need to go lay down." Josie started to cry. Lynn hugged her daughter, and then she went up and laid down in the guest bedroom and tried to calm down.
About 2 hours later, she heard a knock at the bedroom door, and Jon entered the room.
"I've packed enough clothes and things for about a week. I called my mom. She'll let me stay there. The kids are with Sharon. I didn't think you needed the stress of the kids right now."
"Oh, yeah, the stress of the kids. That's what I'm really worried about. You got me."
"I understand that you're mad. I don't blame you. But...oh, shit. Nevermind."
Lynn turned to look at him. "What? Are you going to play, 'Poor Jonathan'? I'm not the one who promised it was over with my lover only for my wife to find me in bed with him. Fuck that Jon. Don't try to play innocent. I'm sick to death of it."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"That depends on what it is."
"You said, 'at least someone cares for me there'. What did you mean by that?"
"Why do you care? What do you care if I fucked the entire town when I was in Montana?"
"I guess I don't have any right to care, but I do."
"Get over it. It's none of your damn business. Leave me alone, Jon."
He opened the bedroom door, looked back at his wife, and left the room, closing the door on his life as he knew it.
Slash Rating - R
The Choice
The Choice
Kita (courtesy of Kika, copiato qui perchè illeggibile sul sito originale)
Lynn hung up the phone in a daze. What her best friend just told her about her husband of 10 years had her in shock. She did not doubt what her friend told her, because she knew her friend would not lie to her about such a thing. What was she going to do? She hadn't worked since they got married, because he wanted her to be a stay-at-home mom, and since he took on her daughter from a previous relationship as his own, she stopped working as soon as the honeymoon was over. Did she even have any skills to go back to work after ten years?
She heard someone coming down the stairs, and quickly wiped away the tears that were silently coursing down her cheeks and looked to the base of the stairs, where the familiar form came around and saw her with tears still brewing in her dark eyes.
"Lynn, oh, my God, what's the matter?" he asked her, kneeling in front of her.
"Don't touch me!" she said, pulling away from him.
"Lynn, what's going on?" he asked her.
"Who is he, Jon? God dammit, who the fuck is he?" Jon's hazel eyes showed he knew exactly what she was talking about.
"What do you mean? Who are you talking about?"
"The man Jenna saw you with in Boston Common yesterday."
"Just a business associate, that's all," he insisted.
"Bullshit. You don't hold hands with a business associate, Jon. Tell me the truth, I don't want you lying to me anymore," she told him. His eyes showed he was terrified of telling her the truth about this.
"Please, Lynn, don't make me talk about this to you," he begged. "You and the kids are too important to me. Please."
"Fuck that, Jon. You owe me an explanation. I'm your wife, for God's sake. I thought we were monogamous. While you're out screwing around with another man, I run the risk of contracting something from you. Fuck not putting you through this."
"Lynn, the kids are upstairs. Can we at least send them to my mom's house before we discuss this?" he pleaded.
"Fine. I'm going up to the bedroom. You send the kids to your mom's, then we'll talk." She strode up the stairs, and shut her bedroom door behind her and collapsed onto the bed, her mind reeling. About a half an hour later, she heard the door open to the bedroom, while she laid still on the bed.
"Lynn?" she heard him say. Even now, even as upset and angry as she was, his voice still did things to her. She felt his hand on her back, and felt him sit on the bed next to her. She turned over and looked at him, not bothering to wipe away the tears that stained her face. Seeing how she was hurting, his eyes began to tear up, and he blinked rapidly to keep himself from crying.
"Jon, how could you do this to me? To us?"
"Lynn, honey, you knew I was bi-sexual when we met. You knew that."
"Yeah, but when you asked me to marry you, I thought you had made your choice. Jesus, Jonathan, I gave up everything, EVERYTHING for you." He nodded, knowing he had asked her to give up her own independence to be with him. "How long, Jon? How long have you been..."
"I've been with him since before I met you," he said softly. She sat up in bed.
"What?" she demanded.
"Lynn, I've only been with one man the entire time we've been together. I know he's clean, so I haven't been jeopardizing your health or anything. God, Lynn, I never meant to hurt you. I swear!"
"Jon, when you married me, when your own father performed the service, you agreed to foresake all others for me. I don't recall the words being 'foresake all other women, but, hey! You can keep screwing your boyfriend!'" He just nodded. "I can't do this, Jon. I can't be with someone when I knowingly don't have all of him."
"Lynn, please don't make me choose. Because, if I have to choose, I'll choose you. You and the kids are everything to me. But, if I have to choose, I'll never been entirely happy," he told her earnestly. She laughed despite the tears still rolling down her cheeks.
"You be happy? What about me? Jesus, Jon, everytime you say you're out of town on business, I'll figure you're lying to me, that you're with him. I'd be miserable."
"Please, Lynn, I love you. I really do. And I love the kids. But, I just can't choose right now. Please don't make me."
"Jon, I have to think about this, and I don't think I can do it here. The kids are home on summer vacation, and they haven't seen my mom in awhile. I think I'm going to take them to my mom's house in Montana, and I can think while I'm there."
"What? You're going to leave?"
"I can't think in this house with you here. And, I need to think about this."
"Will you...I mean, are you going to come back?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know." They both sat on the bed quietly for a little while, letting her statement sink in. Lynn broke the silence first. "I won't tell my mom that we're having problems. That's something I won't put you through, or myself for that matter. But, I've got to go somewhere and think, Jon, and that's the best place I know of."
"I understand." He got up, and started to leave the room. With his back to her, his hand on the door, he said, "I love you, Lynn. I always have. I never intended to hurt you with this. I'm sorry." When Lynn didn't say anything, he opened the door and left the room.
Downstairs in the study, he made a phone call. When the other line was picked up, he said, "Hey, its me."
"Hey, you. I was wondering when I'd hear from you."
"Dave, she knows. Lynn knows."
"How?"
"I'm not sure, but she does. I can't lose her and my family, Dave. I just can't. I'm 44 years old, it took me until I was 33 to find the woman of my dreams to have a family with. I'm not throwing that away, Dave."
"What are you saying, Jonathan?"
"I'm saying....God, this is hard. I'm saying that I don't think I should be seeing you anymore, Dave. I love you, and I always will, but my family means so much to me."
"You'll never be entirely happy, you know that, don't you?"
"I know. But, without my family, I'll be miserable. The trade off seems to be better this way. I'm sorry, Dave. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and yet I'm hurting everyone. Good-bye, Dave." He hung up the phone, and sat on the couch, no longer fighting the tears and letting them freely fall down his face.
A couple of hours later, Jon began to get worried about Lynn. She had not emerged from their bedroom, so he went up to check on her. When he opened the door, he found her lying in bed, sleeping deeply. He walked over to the bed, and laid down next to her, pulling her into his arms. She barely stirred as he did so. He began thinking, wondering how he could have so royally screwed up everything. He kissed the top of her head. He didn't know if she would ever allow him to touch her again, so he was savoring holding her in her sleep. Eventually, he fell asleep, as well.
The next morning, he woke up, and Lynn was already out of the bed. He went looking for her. He found her in the barn, brushing her favorite horse.
"Hi," he said, trying to tread lightly.
"Hi." She continued to brush the horse, never looking at him. She didn't understand him anymore, and she was thinking that maybe she never had. He had obviously never been completely honest with her, and now she wondered if she could trust him at all. She had been surprised to find him in their bed, holding her that morning.
"When are we supposed to pick up the kids?" she asked him.
"My mom said no hurry. I told her we were trying to work some things out. She said she understood, and that she could keep them as long as we needed her to. I think she was planning to take them to the aquarium today, anyway."
"Oh." Lynn put away the brush. Done with the chore, she had nothing left to do but talk to the stranger that was her husband.
"Now that we're both calmed down, Jon, I think we need to seriously talk."
"I agree," he responded. "Shall we walk?" She was relieved that he offered to take a walk, that way, she wouldn't have to look at him as she got the details from him.
"Okay." He tried to take her hand into his, and she pulled away. Although it saddened him, he understood and did not push it.
"Are you still going to your mother's?" he asked her.
"Yeah. I need to call the airlines." He nodded.
"Jon, I need to know this...who is it? Do I know him?"
"Dave," he said. Lynn stopped in her tracks.
"Dave? As in Best Man at our wedding Dave?" she asked increduosly. He nodded again. "Jesus! Jon, that is the ultimate disrespect! That man has shared our dinner table, he's taken our kids to ball games. Jesus!" He didn't say anything, he let her rant.
When she finished with her tirade, he finally spoke. "I broke it off last night."
"What?"
"I called him up. I told him that I couldn't risk losing you and the kids, and I broke it off. I knew I'd never win you back unless I did. Lynn, I have never lied about my feelings for you. You've got to believe that. You are everything to me, you and the kids. I love you with every ounce of my being. I didn't want to hurt you. I guess I wanted my cake and eat it, too, and it backfired on me.
"I understand if you never, ever can trust me again. I've been an asshole, and insensitive, selfish asshole. I'm sorry. I can't do anything to change the past, I can only try to do better in the future. I hope that you'll let me." He turned around to face her. He couldn't help thinking she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him still. No, she didn't have the body she had when they met. She had borne him 3 children in 10 years. But, the curves she had now suited him just fine. He couldn't understand how he could have been blind and stupid enough to almost throw it all away because of Dave.
Yes, he loved Dave, but he had tried breaking it off with Dave several times both before and after he had married Lynn. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He was determined that from now on, it would only be Lynn and him. Dave was out of the picture for eternity now.
"You...you really left him? For me?" Jon nodded. "You were serious? I mean, when you said that if you had to choose, it would be me?" Again, he nodded. "I still need to think, Jon. You've been lying to me from the get go. I need to go away and think about this."
"I understand. I'm not trying to stop you. I wanted it all laid out on the table is all." This time, when he took her hand into his, she didn't pull away.
A week later, Jon dropped Lynn and the kids at Logan to catch a plane to Montana. Lynn still needed to work things out, and she felt that going away for awhile to think was the best thing for both of them. No one, not even Jon's brother, whom he was very close to, knew of the difficulties the couple where having. To everyone on the outside, they're marriage was the most stable around.
Three days after arriving on her mother's Montana farm, her oldest daughter's father paid their daughter, Kelsey, a visit. Kelsey hadn't seen her father in several years, but was excited to see him all the same. He knew, as soon as he saw Lynn, that something was wrong. She refused to tell him her troubles, though, but he offered to take her out on the town.
"I don't know, Kevin. I mean, I'm married. Whether or not Jon and I are having problems is irrelevant. I'm still married."
"And we haven't had anything going on between us since 5 years before you got married. You point? This is just an old friend taking out his daughter's mother for a good time. That's all." It sounded innocent enough, so she agreed. Her mother agreed to watch the children.
He took her out to dinner, to a restaurant he took her when she told him she was pregnant with Kelsey. The last time they were together as a couple. He ordered a bottle of wine, and she began guzzling it down like an alcoholic.
"Hey, Lynn, take it easy! I don't want to hold your hair for you tonight!" he said.
"I'm sorry. I just really, really need to get good and plastered, Kevin. If you don't want to foot the bill, I have my Mastercard on me." With that, she ordered a rum and coke from the waiter.
After dinner, and about 6 drinks later, they went for a walk. Lynn was unsteady on her feet, so her ex held her arm, keeping her standing.
"He cheated on me, Kev. The entire time we've been together, he's been cheating on me." She started to cry. Even drunk, she couldn't bring herself to say that her husband was cheating on her with another man.
"Oh, God, Lynn, I'm sorry. How did you find out?" She laughed.
"My best friend saw them together in Boston...holding hands. He tried to tell me it was a business associate. He eventually admitted to me about it. But, he swears he loves me and the kids, and he said he broke it of with hi...with the other person." They came to a bench, and Lynn sat down on it. Kevin put his arm around her as she started to cry.
"Shh...it's gonna be alright. He's a bastard to do that to you, Lynn. I was a bastard to do what I did, too. You deserve better than either one of us."
"I don't deserve anyone. God, Kevin, I'm worthless! I can't even get the man I'm married to to be faithful to me. What the hell is wrong with me?!?"
Kevin took her face into his hands. "Listen to me, Lynn. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING wrong with you. You are beautiful, smart, a great mother, a wonderful friend. He's a bastard. I'm a bastard. It's not you, it's the men you get with." She looked into his crystaline blue eyes. She saw that he still loved her. She felt something stir in her. She kissed him. He didn't push her away, he didn't try to stop her. He kissed her back. When they pulled apart, she looked horrified.
"Oh, God, I'm no better than him!" she wailed. She got up from the bench and started running down the street, away from Kevin. A few feet away, the alcohol caught up with her, and down she went onto the hard pavement. She felt Kevin pick her up, but she didn't open her eyes. She had hit her head, and although she thought she was alright, suddenly, she was very tired and couldn't bear to open her eyes. She felt him put her in his truck seat. Next thing she knew, she had a bright light being shown into her eyes.
"Mrs. Knight, are you coming around?" she heard a strange voice say. Her head was pounding. Had she drunk that much?
"Where am I?" she said through a thick tongue that felt furry.
"You're at Good Samaritan Hospital. I'm Dr. Voight. Kevin Sanderson brought you in. Seems you fell and hit your head, little lady." It all came flooding back to her...the alcohol, the comforting arm around her shoulder....the kiss.
"Oh, God," she groaned.
"I imagine you're head hurts a little bit. We'll get you some pain medication for that. But, I don't think you'll be feeling too well in the morning. You've got a very high blood alcohol level, ma'am." She nodded. She thought her head was going to split in two.
"Mr. Sanderson, she seems okay. You can take her home. Just watch her tonight, okay?" She heard Kevin agree with the doctor that he would watch over her. Oh, God, she thought again.
They wheeled her out of the emergency room, and Kevin helped her to his car. They gave her some pain medication, and she swallowed some with a water bottle Kevin had in his car.
"I called your mom. I told her you weren't feeling well and that I'd put you up in my guest room tonight. I didn't want her to know how hammered you got."
"Thanks," she said. "About that kiss..."
"Shh...don't say anything. I know it was just a weak moment, Lynn. Don't sweat it." She nodded, feeling the pain medication start to take it's toll and make her very sleepy.
Over the next three weeks that she was in Montana, she and Kevin got to know each other better than they ever had when they were dating. Both had done a lot of growing up, and she felt feelings for him that she had never felt for him before. She was scared, because she did love Jon, but she wasn't sure where she belonged in Jon's life anymore. Also, she wasn't sure if Kevin wanted a ready-made family, even if one of the children was his.
Finally, in mid-August, it was time for them to head back to Boston. Kevin took her out the night before they were set to head back. This time, she didn't drink at all, and she was completely clear headed when she asked him to take her to his house. He looked shocked, but he agreed.
They entered the house, and she turned around on him and began kissing him deeply. She pulled his shirt up over his head, and undid his pants to gain entry. She began stroking him, and she felt him harden to her touch. It had been sixteen years since they had made love, but it all felt so right. He began kissing her breasts, first taking one nipple into his mouth and playing with it with his tongue, then taking the other into it. They laid down on his bed. She took his hand and put it between her thighs. His hand found her clit, and he began stroking it. She felt herself tingle. He slid two fingers into her, and she moaned involuntarily. He began kissing her down her body, until his face was between her legs, teasing her with his tongue. Finally, she could take it no more, and she pulled him back up to her. She took his dick into her hand, and guided him into her. As he entered her, they both moaned. He began pumping her, and she rocked her hips to his rhythm. He kissed her, his tongue exploring her mouth, an d she grabbed his ass. They both erupted into the most intense orgasm either of them had had in a long time, and he laid on top of her for a few minutes, trying to catch his breath.
When finally they parted, he kissed the top of her head. "Do you feel vindicated now?" he asked her.
"What are you talking about, Kevin?" she asked him.
"Isn't that what this is all about? Getting even?" he asked her. "I mean, I don't mind that we did it, but I feel that you did it just to get back at him for what he did to you."
"No, Kevin. This was about me needing to connect with someone. I'm feeling things for you, Kev, that I never even felt when we were together, when we concieved Kelsey. Maybe a little bit of it was revenge, but most of it was just carnal, maybe a little bit of love, too." He was quiet, as he absently traced designs on her bare arm.
She hadn't told Jon that she was returning home. She figured she'd rent a car to get back to the house from the airport. She didn't want a big welcome home scene, she just wanted to get back to her normal life, the way it was before she knew about his infidelities with another man.
They got to the house, and the kids ran out to go check on their animals and play in the big yard after being on the plane for 6 hours. Lynn went looking for Jon. She found him in their bedroom...with Dave. She opened up the door to find the two of them having sex in her bed. Jon looked up at the door.
"Shit!" he said. Lynn turned around, shut the door, and ran out of the house. She ran to the end of the driveway, hot tears streaming down her face. Jon came running after her, pulling his t-shirt over his head, barefooted, his jeans not buttoned.
"Lynn!" he shouted at her.
"Get the fuck away from me, Jon!" she yelled back. "I don't want to hear it again. Get the fuck away from me if you know what's good for you!" He grabbed her by her shoulders.
"Lynn, listen to me. I didn't think you were coming back. You wouldn't accept my phone calls when I'd call. The kids would talk to me, but you wouldn't. I haven't talked to you in three weeks, for God's sake. I thought we were through. I was expecting divorce papers to come any time."
"So, what? You go find solace with your lover in our bed? Fuck that, Jonathan! Jesus! I was so fucking stupid to believe you. Now, we're back out here. I should have just stayed in Montana. At least there's someone there that cares about me," she said. She saw Jon's hazel eyes burn with anger.
"Excuse me?" he demanded.
"Fuck you, I don't owe you and explanation. Fuck you." A car came tearing down the driveway, and squealed out onto the street.
"Why don't you go after him, Jon? Go get your boyfriend. Because you're not going to get me back this time."
"Lynn, listen to me..."
"No, I'm through listening to you. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Fuck you and fuck this marriage. Do you think any judge in the fucking country will let you see your kids when you've been cheating on me with another man?" He looked crestfallen. "Let alone here in conservative Massachusettes. Shit! You'll probably never see them again. And you don't deserve to, either. You're a fucking asshole, Jonathan. You, my dear, can kiss my ass."
"Lynn, the kids have nothing..."
"The kids have everything to do with this, Jon. They didn't ask to be born into a family with a father who can't figure out if he wants to be with a man or a woman. They don't need you to screw up their lives! Fuck you, I'll make sure you don't see them anymore."
"Lynn, please..."
"Please what? Accept that you're going to be fucking a man for the rest of our married life together? Fuckno. Get the fuck away from me. Maybe you should see if you can stay at your mom's until we can find a place to live and I can find a job. Or, maybe you can stay at your boyfriend's house. I don't give a rat's ass. All I know is I don't want to see your face right now."
"If you want to move, I'll pay for a house for you and the kids. I'll support you and the kids. You don't have to work."
"I'm not going to be your bitch, Jonathan. I don't want a dime from you except child support. I don't want you to support me. The courts will decide what child support amount is fair, and you can deal with that. But, I will not take your fucking charity. I don't want it. I'll find a job. If we have to live in a tiny two bedroom apartment on the south side, we will. But, I'm not taking your damn money."
"Lynn, at least think logically. Let me buy you a house. You know I can do it easily. I don't want my kids living in the ghetto. If you don't want me to take care of you, fine, but let me buy you a house, okay?"
"Fuck you, Jon. Get the hell out of my face." She started to walk back up to the house. When she got up to the house, Josie, their youngest, came up to her and asked her what was wrong.
"Baby, Daddy is going to live somewhere else for awhile. Go spend some time with him. See if he'll bring in our bags, please? I need to go lay down." Josie started to cry. Lynn hugged her daughter, and then she went up and laid down in the guest bedroom and tried to calm down.
About 2 hours later, she heard a knock at the bedroom door, and Jon entered the room.
"I've packed enough clothes and things for about a week. I called my mom. She'll let me stay there. The kids are with Sharon. I didn't think you needed the stress of the kids right now."
"Oh, yeah, the stress of the kids. That's what I'm really worried about. You got me."
"I understand that you're mad. I don't blame you. But...oh, shit. Nevermind."
Lynn turned to look at him. "What? Are you going to play, 'Poor Jonathan'? I'm not the one who promised it was over with my lover only for my wife to find me in bed with him. Fuck that Jon. Don't try to play innocent. I'm sick to death of it."
"Can I ask you a question?"
"That depends on what it is."
"You said, 'at least someone cares for me there'. What did you mean by that?"
"Why do you care? What do you care if I fucked the entire town when I was in Montana?"
"I guess I don't have any right to care, but I do."
"Get over it. It's none of your damn business. Leave me alone, Jon."
He opened the bedroom door, looked back at his wife, and left the room, closing the door on his life as he knew it.
sabato, febbraio 24, 2007
Bride Shower (wish I had)
Bride Shower (wish I had)
cioè Festa di Addio al Nubilato
Mi sono persa una festa con torta a forma di cuore, palloncini con gli sposini (già comprati dalla sottoscritta), un piccolo party con le amiche, qualche regalino (o alcune ricette per il mio mega book). Risate, il film Il Mio Grasso Grosso Matrimonio Greco, il velo sulla testa. Chissà perchè mi brucia ancora così tanto. E poi una testimone che si occupasse di me, del mio vestito, dei miei trucchi. Che controllasse con chi avevo fatto le foto e con chi no. Che prima del matrimonio fosse qui ad aiutare a vestirmi ecc. Insomma mi sento/mi sono sentita sola.
cioè Festa di Addio al Nubilato
Mi sono persa una festa con torta a forma di cuore, palloncini con gli sposini (già comprati dalla sottoscritta), un piccolo party con le amiche, qualche regalino (o alcune ricette per il mio mega book). Risate, il film Il Mio Grasso Grosso Matrimonio Greco, il velo sulla testa. Chissà perchè mi brucia ancora così tanto. E poi una testimone che si occupasse di me, del mio vestito, dei miei trucchi. Che controllasse con chi avevo fatto le foto e con chi no. Che prima del matrimonio fosse qui ad aiutare a vestirmi ecc. Insomma mi sento/mi sono sentita sola.
Iscriviti a:
Post (Atom)